I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
