I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
