got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
