I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
