I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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