The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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