I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
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