Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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