Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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