i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
