If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
