Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
