her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Randomize
