I just made out with a guy for $7.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
