Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
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