It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
