She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
