Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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