Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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