Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
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