sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
where are my eyebrows?
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
