it's too hot outside to masturbate.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
