Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
