You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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