My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
