smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
