but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
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