I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
