I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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