I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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