Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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