he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
