im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
