when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
