I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Randomize
