why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
