Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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