You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
