That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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