Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
