...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
