Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
