The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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