I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Randomize
