I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
