We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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