Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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