apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Randomize
