I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
