i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
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