Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
