Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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